Gluttons for Pun-ishment

Pikachu, I choose you! (Math puns are the first sine of madness.)

This is what happens when you start a pun war with two dogged wordmongers. Stop reading if you aren't interested in Terrible.

me: Phil keeps making puns about my shirt

R: you should stop shirting the issue

me: I hate you all.

R: don't try to shirt the blame for your own shortcomings
me: if I had collar id, I'd weed all of these jokes out
R: my off-the-cuff remarks are pretty clever
me: actually, I'm yawning because they're putting me to sleeve
R: that's just because your personality is a little too buttoned down
me: I guess it's just not tailored for this setting
R: I'm surprised you’re not pleating with me to stop
me: it takes more than idle threads to stop me
R: this conversation is just giving me a pocket full of wisdom
me: well, I just hope we won't be permanently embroidered in dispute
R: it's really tearing at the fabric of my being
me: well I hope you're addressing the issue, don't just hem and haw
R: i have faith that my long struggle with lead me to the land of silk and honey
me: I'm glad that this conversation isn't full of banal plaiditudes
R: it's going seamlessly, in fact
me: in fact, I think we're helping elevate the English language to striping new heights
R: we're going to be on the front lines of a velvet revolution
me: have you got a leader yet? if not, argyle take charge
R: my opposition is bound to fold
me: I'll draw up a laundry list of goals to achieve
R: your ambition is creases to amaze me
me: we'll iron out the details later
R: later? you're hanging me out to dry
me: it's like there was suddenly a sock in your face
R: despite any setbacks, my strength of twill shall overcome all
me: fear not, though one door may clothes, another has just opened
R: the sources of your optimism are growing like tweeds
me: yes, I find it apparelous to wallow in depression
R: you're overwhelmed by dis-cotten-tment
me: that's why I like to quilt while I'm ahead
R: I feel as though I've invested every fiber of my being in this
me: well after being called a spinster at lunch, it's good to feel productive
R: it's spindellabely true
me: admittedly, my level of productivity on work-related projects is rather unseamly
R: you have to make sure everything is documented before you weave
me: I'll work on getting my affairs in suitable condition
R: you have to pastel your replacement about everything you did
me: hopefully the atmosphere at the lunch table won't be too polo-rizing for her
R: I don't think her economist will boss her around like some overlord & taylor
me: yeah, Doug is cool, it's not as though she'll be losing hair and e-Macy-ated
R: if he puts her to work on currency markets, she'll have to be knowledgeable of Feiline's deBasement
me: I must say, this has been quite the epic Pun-ic War
R: a pun is its own reword
me: it is certainly a handy reference material
R: i didn't realize our supply of witticisms would be this elastic
me: I do think some of these remarks have been a stretch
R: most of yours were downright clothful
me: well I think I've learned my lace-son for the day - sparring with you will leave you in stitches
R: you don't have to needle me directly. I didn't think personal remarks were looming.
me: oh I'm not trying to make this an ad homonym attack
R: crochet it ain't so
me: I try my best not to operate in that fashion
R: as this exchange becomes more and more cryptic, I feel the pressure to come up with good puns is getting pintense
me: it's like this data that I'm sifting through in notepad - if only I understood what's in the textile
R: is that your way of asciing me for help with your project?
me: no that's fine, the time I have available for this project is practically delimited
R: as long as you're keeping tabs on what you're doing
me: I generally Excel at organization
R: now you're just giving me SAS
me: sometimes I like to opt for sophistication, other times I go for the low-TeX solution
R: I suppose it doesn't matter as long as the problem doesn't have you Lyx-ed
me: right, and I am quite font of open-source solutions
R: it's a bold point that you've underscored many times
me: one that is fully justified

At this point, it was past 5 and we'd been cracking puns for 2+ hours, so a truce was called. I need to take a nap now.

Pranks, Academia Edition

You know it's going to be a good day when someone says "I need to prank the shit out of someone."

There is a long history of inspired creativity around these parts, and no better time than April 1st to execute such ideas. What if, hypothetically, a series of emails were sent to an unsuspecting AE (let's call him Z) from an economist, such as Steve Levitt? In particular, it is known that Z despises Levitt and widely disparages his research. So, how would he respond to an attractive job offer from a prominent economist?

These emails were sent from a Hotmail account, rather than a spoofed U of C account. After all, the goal here was to be a jerk, not ruin lives.

Email #1

Z,

Congratulations on your recent admittance to the University of Chicago Economics Department. As you may know, I currently direct the Becker Center on Chicago Price Theory housed at the Booth School of Business. I have familiarized myself with your work on DSGE models, and I believe it is in line with the contributions of the Becker Center. To that end, I thought I would make you aware of an opportunity here at the Becker Center. Each year we take on several Graduate Assistants, these are people who we believe show promise. More than half of our Graduate Assistants have gone on to become Becker Center Research Fellows. This position would allow you to work closely with the Becker Center faculty such as myself to develop your ideas as you progress through your degree. I realize you have not yet finalized your graduate school decision yet, but I hope that this offer may help you to understand all of your options. Please e-mail me if you have any questions or to follow up about the position.

Steven Levitt

Let's review: this email included a rather unusual offer, and was sent on April 1st from a Hotmail account. I thought it would get spotted as fraudulent in about 30 seconds. Much to my shock, Z replied sincerely, saying that he was interested in meeting Levitt and looked forward to seeing him at the Chicago open house tomorrow. What now? Clearly, this is a cue to up the ante and become progressively more outrageous.

Email #2

Z,

Outstanding. While you're here I'd like to make sure I introduce you to Gary. Unfortunately he's been a bit moody recently but the color purple seems to have a soothing effect on him (the doctors have called it "neurochromopathy") so if you can make sure to include it in your ensemble it would be for the best. I look forward to our meeting and discussing some of my research with you. Please e-mail me if you have any further questions.

Steve

That's bizarre enough that warning flags should triggered, right? Or, it could result in Z borrowing a purple sweater...

Time to bring out the over-the-top guns.

Email #3

Z,

Do you mind swinging by Treasure Island on your way over and bringing some Greek style plain yogurt for Gary and I? I really love the luxurious silky texture of the yogurt in my mouth. When I eat it while listening to a bit of Chopin it, it really helps me focus on the current problem. Perhaps you can try it with us.

Steve

At this point, it was time to call it quits before serious damage was done. Z took the news well, and for the record, claims to have known it was a joke. Also, he said that he did not notice the Hotmail address, since Gmail automatically hides headers unless you click "details."

Lessons learned:

1) The most credible pranks are ones that give the prankee something they desire.

2) Never trust email sent from Hotmail.

Today's Department Meeting Agenda

1. Kumbaya Sing Along*
2. Introductions
3. United Way Fundraiser
4. Project 26
5. Regulatory Reform Proposal

*Gotcha...yes, this is a joke!

April Fool's Day

Aintaerjection has a good synopsis of how my April Fool's Day afternoon went. In a nutshell, I was dared to wear a condom as a hair tie for the afternoon, in exchange for dinner at Joe's Shanghai. This was easily done by tying the ends together and fashioning a sort of rubber band. Contrary to his claims of "shame," I will argue that, working in a large office building, this was a prudent move less I get hauled down to HR for creating an "uncomfortable work environment." You can see the super stalker-ish pictures here.

Though the hair tie was recognized for what it was at lunch, it did not seem to attract much notice from my economist. At least, I had two lengthy conversations with him that afternoon, and he failed to bring it up. This was probably for the best, as I imagine it would have only resulted in additional awkwardness, and I had already spent the morning explaining to him why wearing my rearview mirror was necessary.

Words of Advice for Young People

While reading a tangentially-related blog post on the Stanford Ponzi scheme, I stumbled across a reference to William S. Burroughs' "Words of Advice for Young People." Burroughs was a writer and member of the Beat generation, and is most famous for authoring Naked Lunch. Curious, I looked up the piece in its entirety and was wholly amused by his words: sometimes profound, often crude and always sassy.

I am not following at least two pieces of this advice. You can enjoy the dramatic reading here.

William S. Burroughs' "Words of Advice for Young People"

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people.
Well here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.
Never interfere in a boy-and-girl fight.
Beware of whores who say they don't want money.
The hell they don't.
What they mean is they want more money. Much more.
If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch,
Get it in writing.
His word isn't worth shit.
Not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

Avoid fuck-ups.
We all know the type.
Anything they have anything to do with,
No matter how good it sounds,
Turns into a disaster.
Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill.
Tell them firmly:
I am not paid to listen to this drivel.
You are a terminal fool.

Now some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain,
If you get that far.
Any old soul is worth saving,
At least to a priest,
But not every soul is worth buying.
So you can take the offer as a compliment.
He tries the easy ones first.
You know like money,
All the money there is.
But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery?
Money won't buy.
Not much left to spend it on, eh gramps?
Getting too old to cut the mustard.

How's a young body grab you?
Like three card monte, like pea under the shell,
Now you see it, now you don't.
Haven't you forgotten something, gramps?
In order to feel something,
You've got to be there.
You have to be eighteen.
You're not eighteen.
You are seventy-eight.
Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

Well they always try the easiest ones first.
How about an honorable bargain?
You always wanted to be a doctor,
Well now's your chance.
Why don't you become a great healer
And benefit humanity?
What's wrong with that?
Just about everything.
There are no honorable bargains
Involving exchange
Of qualitative merchandise
Like souls
For quantitative merchandise
Like time and money.
So piss off Satan
And don't take me for dumber than I look.

An old junk pusher told me -
Watch whose money you pick up.

Charades

After I persuaded the rest of the group to abandon the wussy idea of playing with teams and only using movies, books or TV shows (who does that??), here are some of the things we were forced to act out:

Surprisingly Entertaining

• Cheese Danish (resulted in me crawling around on all fours...don't ask.)
  

Meta:

• Erik V. (no pointing)
  
• Charades

Obscure Allusions

• A Movable Feast
• Ghost Ride the Whip

Preternaturally Cruel

• Chlorofluorocarbons
  

Vaguely Inappropriate

• Camel toe
• 2 girls, 1 cup
• Blumpkin

Things to do on Christmas Eve

Originally, we wanted Taco Bell, but it was closed. Luckily, IHOP was still open and hopping, and in fact, while we were there, a group of 20 people walked in.

Our waitress seemed a bit harried, so in an effort to spread some holiday cheer, we left some drawings of a Christmas tree, a unicorn (cut off in the picture), and a nice tip on the check: "Don't play leapfrog with a unicorn. =)"

Fear not, we also left $7 on the table.

Signs that you are no longer a recent college grad

• Your friends have all abandoned AIM for Gchat.
• Going to bed at 10 pm no longer seems crazy early.
• Quarter cards : People handing out flyers on sidewalks :: A capella groups : rappers on trains
• When a card gets passed around for signing, it's not for a birthday, but for the birth of a baby.
• You pay for housing when you go back to college for visits.
• When you fall asleep in the library, a security guard taps you on the shoulder and asks if you're okay.
• Instead of comparing GPAs, you compete with your friends over who has a better credit score.

On Proposals

In between the creme brulee stout and (no root) beer floats last night, the ideal marriage proposal popped up for discussion. This is not a very real possibility for me at this point, but Viki should perhaps be dropping more vigorous hints if she wants to pull off her vision. Without further ado, here's a sampling of what modern women are hoping for (we're not insane, I swear).

Ricky
Situation: Under the Northern Lights
Pros: Beautiful location, cheap excluding travel costs, quiet location outdoors ensures that he will not make a fool of himself in front of crowds
Cons: Limited time frame and location options, requires the fickle cooperation of Mother Nature

Viki
Situation: She is attending a Broadway show or a concert, and at intermission, they have a special announcement and Matt jumps on stage. Cue romantic words and then bursting into song. To the cheers and applause of the audience, Viki accepts.
Pros: The level of coordination and planning would truly signal commitment, and there's nothing like being the star of your own show on Broadway.
Cons: The level of coordination and planning makes this almost impossible to pull off. Also, it'd be asking a lot for Matt to belt out a song...maybe we could settle for having someone else come out and sing, or better yet, having someone else sing while Matt lipsyncs, Chinese Olympics-style.

Me
Situation: He gets down on one knee and says, "There is a set R equipped with 2 binary operations called addition and multiplication such that (R, +) is abelian group with identity element 0, and..."
Pros: This brings proposals to an unfathomable level of dorkiness.
Cons: None.

Addendum (Rhea wants in on this too):

Rhea
Situation: On a trip to Cornell, mystery Cornell engineer takes her to Olin library, to the 4th floor-- romance studies. He gets down on one knee and says "in spite of all my time spent in Duffield, I too have always wanted to spend hours and hours in the library--Olin, Mann, or Uris. I proclaim my love for your here for that reason. Not to mention...I think you wouldn't accept if I did it anywhere else. Oh and I'll be sure to teach you E & M 101 tonight". He pops open a bottle of champagne, quietly of course. Rhea calls Crystal to announce that she's eloping and that they need to arrange something with Sage Hall so that she and mystery eng. can have their chimes concert complete with Nessun Dorma, the Alma Mater duet, and Taras to help.

Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me

Through my vast, mostly untapped connections, I managed to score a last-minute comp ticket to a taping of NPR's Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. This is generally taped on Thursday nights in the basement of the Chase building in the loop, an odd location for a quirky show.

The show focuses on current events, and features several types of quizzes and contests between phone-in callers and guest panelists. This week, we were honored with the presence of Boston Globe writer Charlie Pierce, Washington Post columnist Roxanne Roberts, and comedian Paula Poundstone. Unfortunately, Carl Kasell was away on vacation, so Corey Flintoff graciously stepped in as our scorekeeper, announcing to us, "I want America to know, that I am, like, totally ready to lead."

That of course set the stage for this week's comedic fodder, featuring the infamous Paris Hilton presidential campaign ad, a spoof of McCain's spot comparing Obama to major celebrities.

The first thing I noticed was how much of the live show would be drastically edited and polished into a one-hour segment. The taping lasted about 2 hours, and only an hour of that would make the cut to air. This should reassure anyone who calls in on taped radio shows, because it means your awkward pauses and incorrect answers often get edited out of the show. In an effort to make everyone a winner, you are also supplied with ample hints to answers, and opportunities to guess again.

Awkward pauses aside, the redactions also mean that many of the less appropriate jokes are cut. Pierce's line about Bush making it to the locker room in time to see the wrestling team's clean & jerk will not make the air. Nor will Sagal's comments about breaking up with himself via Slydial, because "it's not me, it's me," "I just don't have any chemistry with myself," and "a man's got needs." I'm willing to bet that a lot of the political banter that was overtly anti-Bush and anti-McCain will also get cut. (NPR lives up to its reputation as a liberal bastion!)

It also appears that sitting in front of a computer all day at work is doing wonders for my knowledge of current events. I recognized a broad variety of stories in the quizzes, from the guy who called 911 after a Subway worker didn't make his sandwich properly, to the $79B surplus in the Iraqi government's budget, to the impending foreclosure of the Shire, a fantastic neighborhood in Oregon inspired by Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Particularly now that I know how difficult it is to sound stupid on air, I am tempted to submit my name as a live caller. Good thing this isn't common knowledge, otherwise we'd have a serious moral hazard problem on our hands.

After the show, a few minutes was spent re-recording selected lines from the script, bits that weren't clearly spoken the first time around. You could hear the producers through the headsets, giving Sagal directions and page numbers of sections to redo. The audience tried to laugh politely at the jokes for the second time around.

The show will air on Saturday morning (check your local station listings for times). If you listen carefully, you might hear my notoriously distinctive laugh.

Original Prankster

Working at the fed is Very Serious Business, but we also know how to mix some levity into the day. Specifically, we've elevated the office prank almost to a new art form. At various points, I have come back to my cubicle to find the batteries in my keyboard have been switched, or that my page-a-day calendar has had the next week's pages stapled together, or that my granola bars have been taped to my desk, my pear taped to my desk, my mouse taped to my desk...Once, I returned to see that my chair had been lowered as far as possible, and my desk had been raised about 5 inches. As I was puzzling over this, Rich, my economist, walked by, and I explained that my desk seemed to be different. He commented wryly, "Well, you do shrink as you get older."

Phil was out yesterday, so we took it upon ourselves to help him "redecorate." Although he espouses distaste for many things (Xbox, the Berghoff, Hawaii), he has a particularly virulent hatred for Hillary Clinton. Accordingly, we posted print-outs of Hillary photos all over his cube. I also printed out 15 small "Vote for Hillary" buttons that we hid inside his coffee, under his mousepad, in his phone cradle, in the middle of books...I predict he'll be finding nasty surprises for the next few weeks.

Much to my shock, Phil sent out the following email the next morning:

Thanks guys…. I found this in my inbox

-----Original Message-----

From: Sherry Smith [mailto:Sherry.Smith@chi.frb.org]
Sent: Tuesday, May 6, 2008 4:03 PM
To: Philip S Doctor
Subject: Re: Political stances and Federal Reserve Bank standards

Phil—

It has come to our attention that you have recently been displaying political paraphernalia within your cubical at the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. As you were informed during your orientation, the Fed is a politically neutral entity, and maintaining that neutrality is one of our top priorities, especially as we near the national elections. In accordance with internal policies, I am requiring you to remove all signage from the building and have asked that your supervisor verify this for me. Additionally I will be required to have a meeting to discuss your professional conduct. Please get in touch with me to set up a meeting time, hopefully this week.

Regards,
Sherry Smith

AACK! I panicked; should we fess up to our crimes so that Phil doesn't get in trouble? Were we going to get written up? Was I about to get fired from my first (and last) job ever, over a silly prank?! Then Matt pointed out, wouldn't it be funny if Phil was trying to counter-prank us instead? I quickly searched the Fed Directory, and lo and behold, there was no one named "Sherry Smith." Upon closer scrutiny, we noticed that the email was "sent" at 4:03 pm, and we left his cubicle at around 3:45 pm the day before. Whew!

Second City improv

When I announced my decision to move to Chicago, people mentioned the city's comedy scene was top-notch. Then, I got here and started spending all my money on restaurants and bars, figuring that watching my friends was comedic enough. Last night though, we took a trip to Second City to see their latest revue, "Between Barack and a Hard Place."

Second City is an improvisational comedy troupe that has been based in Chicago since the '60s, and as it turns out, they are the training ground for many prominent comedians. Scanning the walls with photos from old performances, I caught lots of familiar names and faces: Steve Carrell, Nia Vardalos, Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Stephen Colbert, Chris Farley...basically, this is the feeder school for Saturday Night Live. It's neat to think that perhaps I saw the next big comedian before they made it big.

The show itself didn't disappoint, though I had expected more Obama references or political material. (He was mentioned in a few sketches, but wasn't the core of the show by any means.) There were a few opportunities for the audience to yell suggestions for improv bits. ("Love is like a...what, guys?" "Mistress!" "Oookay man, that's pretty screwed up. Love is like a mistress...hm, what rhymes with mistress??") I was blown away by the speed at which the performers think on their feet, coming up with songs on the spot and creating routines in a matter of seconds. Also, this was the second performance of the night (there's one at 8 and 11 pm), which makes for a pretty long night of performing. The icing on the cake was the music. I couldn't crane my head around the corner to verify, but I am positive the piano was live and improvised to match what happening on stage. Whistles*

Here's a snippet from an old show. I've heard their "Greatest Hits" show is also quite good, so if anyone else is game...

Halloween Preview

Last night, I trekked out to the 'burbs for some good ol' fashioned Halloween fun with the Fed crew. Britton really wanted to go to a haunted house, and this one was advertised as being the #1 haunted house in IL. I glanced at the website, and figured that if it wasn't scary, at least they had a sense of humor when they included directions from Hell. (Take Lost Souls Blvd. and take a left on Decapitation Drive. Travel 666 km, then take a sharp right on Brimstone Blvd. Enter through the gates and listen for the screams...)

We showed up at 8:30 and ended up waiting in line for at least 2 hours. No worries though, before we got in line, we managed to mix up some vodka & gatorade and jack daniel's & coke. I swear the giggling and pouring out of liquids in the parking lot didn't look uber sketchy or anything. Plus, there were all sorts of dressed up zombies and ax murderers heckling us while we stood in line. All in friendly fun, and after Chris let loose a really loud, high-pitched scream, one of them turned to us and said, "Is he gay?" Thought: what if some psycho decided to show up and chase people around for kicks, and you couldn't tell he wasn't part of the show?

Going through the house itself probably took 15-20 min, but with a proper suspension of disbelief, it was lots of fun. I was never that scared, but it's fun to scream your head off with other people. The best part was a tunnel with swirling lights overhead, which made you think the walkway was rotating. I could've sworn the floor was moving, but then I stepped into another room and all was righted.

---

Now, on to the scary part. I got my wisdom teeth pulled this morning, and after last night, had decided that I wasn't that squeamish and didn't need to be completely knocked out for the procedure. So, they gave me local anesthesia and laughing gas, and pretty soon I was feeling quite content, like I'd just downed about 4 beers, happy to ignore any sort of drilling noises or sutures going into my mouth. About 40 min later, I was done and ready to bounce.

Katherine picked me up after surgery, and when I stumbled out, she was a little concerned and kept asking me if I was all right. Too bad I had gauze in my mouth so I couldn't really talk, but instead kept mumbling incoherently and laughing, which elicited blank looks from her which caused me to laugh harder. It probably didn't help that I was still sort of on the laughing gas high. Simultaneously, blood was dripping out the side of my mouth, not that I could feel it because my entire face was numb. So picture us in the middle of the Loop, me laughing hysterically with bloody tissues clutched to my mouth and Katherine frantically telling passer byers coming out of the American Girl Store that everything was ok, really. I think I scared some small children today. And adults. And Katherine. At one point, she told me, "Um Crystal, you just dropped a piece of bloody gauze on the sidewalk," which made me laugh some more. It was highly special.

Anyway, we finally managed to get me home and find a box of popsicles. The right side of my face is swelling, but it's not noticeable, and I haven't been taking the Vicodine they gave me (just a few over the counter Motrins), so if anyone is interested in purchasing some narcotics, just let me know...