Chitown: the soap opera

In honor of the circus that is working as an AE at the Chicago Fed, I hereby propose to write our lives into a soap opera. I'm not sure what I expected when I moved here, but it certainly wasn't the dramatic heights that this weekend entailed. After all, aren't economists supposed to be reasonable? Didn't we invent the (myth of the) rational actor? I digress. Here's my outline for the up and coming new sitcom, Chitown.

Cast

• Crystal: don't let the facade fool you, she's evidence that bad-assery can come in tiny packages. When she opened Schrodinger's box, the cat was in fact, simultaneously alive and dead.
  
• Chris: still undergoing delayed adolescence (read, emo) and perpetually misunderstood, particularly when his dirty jokes fall flat on unamused targets. Takes pride in being ambiguously gay, freakishly strong, and wearing his Birkenstocks until they develop holes in the heel.
  
• Haley: type-A organization extraordinaire, has her sights set on business school, owning the J. Crew catalogue, and providing the invisible hand that Makes. Things. Happen.
  
• Nate: happy-go-lucky mediator with a penchant for wearing argyle and kayaking without a boat, he asks if you've heard the one about the 3 econometricians who went hunting?
  
• Erik: proof that justice should be meted out with a clipped British accent, he seeks to shine the light of truth in places of darkness. Hopes to some day make it big with his single "Bernanke."
  
• Ricky: Erik's girlfriend, who is vying for positions in the publishing industry. Between her indie rock playlist, cave-woman underwear, and unorthodox name, she's alternative, baby.
  
• Britton: a sorority girl with a heart of gold, embodiment that you can take the girl out of Ohio, but you can't take the Ohio out of the girl.
  

Recurring Characters

• Phil, gamer and internet-snob, with an encyclopedic knowledge of classic Greek literature. His New Year's resolution is 1280 x 1024, and he'd love to hang out with you in meat space...if only it didn't interfere with his WoW time.
  
• Alex, a model of chivalry for the ladies, though this is only on display when he can tear himself away from his 16 hour work-days
  
• Rich, Crystal's "boss," with a cynical, dry humor and an affinity for flicking butter pats across the table during lengthy lunch meetings
  
• Gay Bartender at Debonair
• The Lunch Lady
  
• Ithaca Joe
  

Pilot Episode: The One Where It All Began

Fresh out of college, the new cohort of Fed AEs start tackling new jobs in a new city. Much to his dismay, Chris discovers the bathrooms do not have paper towel dispensers, only hand dryers. Rather than touching the handle, he waits stealthily behind the door until someone else comes in. In between the drudgery of cleaning data sets, Erik and Nate scheme to invent adult cereal boxes, complete with keychain Rubik's cubes and samples of organic bourbon. The girls organize a ladies' night out with manicures and Manhattans. On the way there, Crystal gets hit by a taxi, and then gets hit on by a rescuer cyclist.

---

We'd probably have to drop the Federal Reserve bit, since that would induce yawns faster than turning down the lights in a lecture hall. If anyone knows how to contact FOX, I'm all ears.

Fishy

Ana is moving up and out in the world, leaving the Fed for grad school, which means she is currently frantically trying to give away her possessions. Since I seem pretty "nurturing" out of the AEs, she approached me to ask if I wanted to assume the duties of Goldfish Mommy. I gave it some thought (what if I need to go on vacation? what if there's uncontrollable algae growth? what if I kill it??), then Tian told me to just stop thinking and say yes. Okay, here goes.

It's funny to think that for the first time ever, I have the responsibility of a life on my hands. At the moment, I'm a little concerned because the fish is swimming a bit erratically, and he didn't eat when we tried to feed him. But maybe that's simply due to the stress of the move. At any rate, we jokingly agreed that if he dies within the next month, it's Ana's fault, and if he dies after that, it's my fault. (However, as economists, we aren't sure what kind of lag variables should be included in the survival rate regression...so maybe it's no one's fault.)

I shall call him Fishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Fishy! No really, Ana bequeathed him with the name Fishy, so out of respect for the precedent, I will probably stick with that. The previous AE owner called him "Sashimi," which seems oddly cannibalistic. All told, the fish is about 5 years old, and has been passed down from Fed AE to AE about once every year or two. Let's hope he (or she?) lives a happy life, at least during my tenure.

Pork and Beans

Weezer just released their latest single from their upcoming album, titled "Pork and Beans," and although you will probably not be hearing it on the radio any time soon, it is already a smashing hit. By what metric do I draw this conclusion? Well, since its publication just 2 days ago, the YouTube video has already garnered a staggering 2.2 million hits.

As a card-carrying member of Generation 'Net, I will be the first to admit that our tastes are fickle, unpredictable, and often illogical. How on earth do you explain the popularity of the dramatic prairie dog? Or the Rick Roll, a bait-and-switch tactic where unsuspecting users are linked to a Rick Astley video? Who comes up with these memes anyway? I'm sure the music and film industries are dying to crack the formula.

If there is a rule of thumb for success though, it is that netizens love obscure references that they can recognize, and above all, obscure references to internet phenomena. A clever allusion or satire signals a) you are leet, one of us, and a part of the "underground" community, and b) it allows me to feel culturally-educated, in the know, and perhaps, a little superior to everyone else who didn't "get it." Hence, the popularity of this t-shirt, which references a video game though this would be invisible to all those unfamiliar with Portal.

Weezer taps into this psyche by incorporating several YouTube "stars" in their latest video. In short order, I saw references to the Diet Coke and Mentos guys, the sobbing Britney defender, Miss South Carolina, the Evolution of Dance, Chocolate Rain, Daft Hands and Daft Bodies, Kelly from "Shoes," and lots of light sabers.

Will a cyberspace video translate into meat-space sales? I've been a long-time fan of Weezer, and their indie nerd credibility was cemented for me when I realized they were singing about Dungeons and Dragons in "In the Garage." However, I confess that I haven't legally bought an album in years. After watching the video 3-4 times though, I must say, I am more aware of when this album is getting released than where my debit card is. There's a $15 iTunes gift card sitting on my desk; I just may have found something worthwhile to use it on.

How to Buy a Used Bike (Chicago version)

So far this spring, I've been asked at least 4-5 times for advice on how to buy a first bike. And little wonder, with gas prices skyrocketing the way they are! When I first decided to delve into cycling, I remember feeling overwhelmed by the array of choices I had to make. Scanning Craig's list, you are presented with titles like "Bianchi Campione, 53 cm w/ Shimano WH-R353 wheels." What on earth does that mean? Anyway, you can reap the benefits of the hours of research I had to put in. Without further ado, I present my tips for how to buy a used bike (in Chicago).

1) Go to Craig's list. Alternatively, I have heard success stories from people who went to the Working Bikes co-op. If you do this, you should show up about half an hour before they open, and be ready to rush in and grab a bike.

2) Bike type: something with straight (not dropped) handlebars will be a lot more comfortable and easier to control. You can go with an older bike with fewer gears (Chicago is flat, you don't need 21 speeds, but it's nice to have options), or an older mountain bike (the better for absorbing road vibrations/riding over potholes). In the last few years, they've also come out with hybrid bikes, which try to combine features of mountain/road bikes.

3) Brand: Avoid department store bikes (Huffy, Magna). They will be extremely heavy and have shoddier parts. I am a fan of (relatively) cheap Schwinns and Giants. Expensive brands which scream "steal me" include: Specialized, Trek, Cannondale, Diamondback

4) Other features: if you plan to commute regularly, you should look for fenders (essential in rain) and may want to consider a rear rack. You can also get clip-on fenders cheaply.

5) When you test ride the bike: Do the gears shift (mostly) smoothly? With older bikes, there will probably be some lag time/crunching noises. Hopefully you can lube the chain to ease that. Are the brakes responsive/pads not worn out? Press down on the tires, are they rock hard? Lift up the bike and spin one wheel at a time, does it spin freely/not rub up against brake pads? Is the wheel true/not wobbling side to side?

6) Buy a helmet and a decent U-lock (cable locks are fairly useless). There are tons of bike shops, but the cheapest place for parts that I've seen is Irv's in Pilsen. Plus, Henry is super nice. Check the Chicago bike shop directory and click "city only" at the top to narrow by location boundaries. If you ever bike at night, bike with front & rear lights.

My first time biking in traffic was one of the scariest experiences of my life. Don't let that deter you! Chicago is marked with lots of bike lanes, and the drivers are courteous for the most part. Also, biking along the lake shore path is one of the best feelings EVER.

See you at Critical Mass.

Cubs Game

In a continuing effort to expand my horizons, I went to my first baseball game yesterday afternoon. We grilled burgers, (literally) pre-gamed with beers, and sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" on the way to Wrigley Field. I was practically ready to swear off sushi for liberty fries. Almost.

Baseball is one of the few games whose rules I mostly understand, and I freely admit that it can be boring. The game consists of long stretches of time when the ball isn't moving, and the score rarely makes it above single digits. No matter, this is why beer is readily available. We sat in the bleachers behind the outfield, and had an excellent view of the batter, all the better for catching those home-run balls. To further entertain ourselves, heckling the opposing team is a prominent past-time. Much like at Cornell hockey games, it is advisable to insult players on the other team by directly using their name. Ergo, Arizona Diamondbacks right-fielder Jeff Salazar bore the brunt of our section's aggression. Some highlights:

"Salazar wears a child's jock strap!"
"Salazar is a trannie!"
"Salazar makes league minimum!"
and finally, the classic:
"Salazar, Salazar, Salazarrr! YOU SUCK!"

Gentleman sitting behind us: Salazar, you cock sucker! [ etc. ]
Britton: Geez, but there are two small children right next to him!
Me: Haha, what if those are his children?
Aforementioned gentleman: Hey Billy, what did Daddy just say?

Not to be outdone, we decided to offer a few taunts of our own:

Erik: Salazar, I find your behavior morally reprehensible, but I will fight to the end for your right to act as you choose!

The audience that the bleachers attracts is colorful indeed. The woman in front of us told us she'd been smoking pot before the game, and had been drinking heavily since then. Suffice it to say, she was spilling beer all over the place, and by the end, Ricky was clandestinely holding her cup up for her. Meanwhile, the woman's boyfriend spilled much of his beer into the hair of another woman, which was quite all right because she had spilled a good amount of beer on his shorts earlier in the game.

Luckily, the Cubs recovered from a 2-1 deficit, with a monster 6 runs in the 7th inning, to win the game 7-2. The stadium roared with approval and launched into a rendition of "Go Cubs Go," the team's somewhat hokey but undeniably catchy theme song.

Original Prankster

Working at the fed is Very Serious Business, but we also know how to mix some levity into the day. Specifically, we've elevated the office prank almost to a new art form. At various points, I have come back to my cubicle to find the batteries in my keyboard have been switched, or that my page-a-day calendar has had the next week's pages stapled together, or that my granola bars have been taped to my desk, my pear taped to my desk, my mouse taped to my desk...Once, I returned to see that my chair had been lowered as far as possible, and my desk had been raised about 5 inches. As I was puzzling over this, Rich, my economist, walked by, and I explained that my desk seemed to be different. He commented wryly, "Well, you do shrink as you get older."

Phil was out yesterday, so we took it upon ourselves to help him "redecorate." Although he espouses distaste for many things (Xbox, the Berghoff, Hawaii), he has a particularly virulent hatred for Hillary Clinton. Accordingly, we posted print-outs of Hillary photos all over his cube. I also printed out 15 small "Vote for Hillary" buttons that we hid inside his coffee, under his mousepad, in his phone cradle, in the middle of books...I predict he'll be finding nasty surprises for the next few weeks.

Much to my shock, Phil sent out the following email the next morning:

Thanks guys…. I found this in my inbox

-----Original Message-----

From: Sherry Smith [mailto:Sherry.Smith@chi.frb.org]
Sent: Tuesday, May 6, 2008 4:03 PM
To: Philip S Doctor
Subject: Re: Political stances and Federal Reserve Bank standards

Phil—

It has come to our attention that you have recently been displaying political paraphernalia within your cubical at the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. As you were informed during your orientation, the Fed is a politically neutral entity, and maintaining that neutrality is one of our top priorities, especially as we near the national elections. In accordance with internal policies, I am requiring you to remove all signage from the building and have asked that your supervisor verify this for me. Additionally I will be required to have a meeting to discuss your professional conduct. Please get in touch with me to set up a meeting time, hopefully this week.

Regards,
Sherry Smith

AACK! I panicked; should we fess up to our crimes so that Phil doesn't get in trouble? Were we going to get written up? Was I about to get fired from my first (and last) job ever, over a silly prank?! Then Matt pointed out, wouldn't it be funny if Phil was trying to counter-prank us instead? I quickly searched the Fed Directory, and lo and behold, there was no one named "Sherry Smith." Upon closer scrutiny, we noticed that the email was "sent" at 4:03 pm, and we left his cubicle at around 3:45 pm the day before. Whew!

Chicago for Foodies

Forget the Sears Tower and Millenium Park, here's what I did with Megan on her first visit to Chicago:

Plates:

• Deep-dish pizza from Art of Pizza
• Mujver (zucchini pancake) and lahmacun (thin Turkish pizza) from Nazarlik
• Pineapple-rhubarb french toast, berry and banana cheesecake pancakes, and lemon ricotta pancakes from Bongo Room
• Granola from Milk & Honey Cafe
• Carne asada tacos and horchata (cinnamon rice drink) from La Pasadita
• Frozen kefir (uber trendy yogurt-like product) from Starfruit
• Family style Mediterranean at Cedar's
• Swedish pancakes with lingonberries from Ann Sather's (hotelie-run!)
• Chicago hot dog and duck-fat fries from Hot Doug's (I can('t) believe we waited 45 minutes for this...the line was out the door and wrapped around the building.)
• Banh mi (Vietnamese sub) and coconut sticky rice & black-eyed peas from Ba Le
• Ginger-raisin & banana-chocolate pannenkoeken (dutch pancakes) from Pannenkoeken Cafe
• Ghormeh sabzi (beef stew with green herbs) and fesenjan with eggplant (walnut-pomegranate sauce) from Masouleh
• Borek (pastry filled with meat) from Big Buns and Pita
• Pork bun, sesame ball, and red bean paste mooncake from Chiu Quon Bakery
  

The ones that got away (the restaurant industry, it's volatile!):

• Curry puff from Thai Grocery (closed in mid-April)
• Jibarito (plantain sandwich) from Cafe Salamera (closed in February)
• Sweet potato doughnuts with cinnamon sabayon, poached pear, and pumpkin pepitas from Powerhouse (fell victim to limited stomach capacity)

People (characters we met around town):

• Quintessential Wrigleyville: outside Wrigley Field, we ran into a drunk guy who was trying to walk with a sweatshirt around his ankles and then planted his nose on the ground. Twice.
  
• Classic Wicker Park: hipster guy with an iPod jogging while wearing a skin-tight Strand tee
  
• At Mojo Spa, the guy behind the counter thought Megan and I were international relations majors (an asian kid and a white kid hanging out!). Next, he guessed that we were engineers. I'm not sure what that says about my appearance.
  
• While waiting in line for Jersey Boys tickets at 8:45 am, we made friends with the couple behind us, Cornel and Trudy (?). The latter was giving us lots of advice: "I recommend staying away from San Francisco...there are too many gay men there."
  
• Random guy in head-to-toe black leather who shared a cab with us: "Yeah, I just got my own place, but it won't be just me for long...my brother's turning 18 and getting out of foster care."
  

Places:


Sometimes I forget how spread out Chicago really is, but this weekend, we definitely explored large swaths of the city from top to bottom. Some of the traveling was due to necessity; we drove out to the suburbs and hiked ~6 miles of the Des Plaines River trail. On other occasions, we traveled stupidly far distances...all for the sake of getting food. I have no regrets.

Eating aside, we did manage to see Jersey Boys ($25 front-row rush tickets), wander through the Art Institute during Looptopia, go on a cruise on Lake Michigan for Ana's birthday, and find a few letterboxes. Plus, I discovered the Seminary Co-op bookstore in Hyde Park, which might be my new favorite bookstore. It's located in the basement of the Chicago Theological Seminary, and every square inch of its labyrinthine shelves, from the floor to the ceiling, is jam-packed with esoteric titles. Though my inner bibliophile was spasming, I restrained myself and simply picked up a copy of "A Very Short Introduction to Quantum Theory." Admittedly, this is completely useless for me, but maybe I'll be able to pick up enough key phrases that I can front knowing something about quantum mechanics.