Internetless, or Why I'm Never Becoming a Hermit

(Oh yeah, I think most of you already know this, but due to a number of hilarious bureaucratic snafus, I am actually moving to Italy in May, with a flight out of JFK on 5/23. Anyway, that is outside of the scope of this post.)

Day 1:

9 am. I call AT&T tech support to angrily complain about my lack of internet. They tell me that according to the diagnostics, the modem has died and I'll have to replace it. Zetsuboushita! In an instant, I realize I have lost all Truth and Knowledge in the world. And what about the state of my Google Reader? Panic. I tweet my distress through the only means possible: text message. Since I haven't set up notifications to my phone, if there are responses, I won't be able to read them.

11 am. After going for a run, I return home to discover...I have no messages. No email messages, no im messages, no tweets, no unread posts in Reader. I feel sad and lonely. With a vague sense of liberation. No eff that, I'm going to work on a weekend.

3 pm. Inbox and RSS feeds have been cleaned, Facebook messages have been responded to, must-see YouTube clips have been watched. I calculate the cost of a new modem ($80) versus the amount of time I have remaining in Chicago (~7 weeks) . I scan Craig's list for used modems, and email a couple, asking them to please call me rather than email. The Cornell-Wisconsin game is happening, but I need to get going. I ask a friend to text me the results. Turns out, we won 87-69. I celebrate without reading post-game analysis on ESPN and don't check to see if Cornell is trending on Twitter.

12 am. Have returned from a long dinner party. My 5 glasses of wine/martinis help me buzz along home, where I remember, once again, that I have no internet. Sans distractions, I topple into bed immediately.

Day 2:

7 am. I awake to the sound of NPR and actually listen to it, rather than shutting it off. I wait to hear the weather forecast. In the meantime, did you know there's a Mauwi tribe that celebrates divorce? (I wonder if "Mauwi" is the correct spelling, but don't have a way to look it up.) They have a saying, "The more time you spend in divorce, the more beautiful you are." Apparently, when you divorce, they throw you a divorce party even larger than your wedding party. And now, the weather: pleasant, sunny skies, high near 53. Oh, and the health care bill has passed! I itch to check HuffPo.

8 am. Breakfast is eaten, clothing has changed. Normally, this is where I'd start reading the morning's news and blog posts, but Chrome haunts me with repeated messages of "This webpage is not available." Sadness. I check to see if there's unsecured wifi anywhere nearby. Alas, this building is full of stingy, technologically savvy misers. I play some music, an activity that doesn't require an internet connection. I realize that the tracks are not being scrobbled by Last.fm. Ack, this will totally skew my listening data. If "Eating Me Alive" by Miracles of Modern Science gets played and don't get added to my history, does anyone actually hear it? After pondering the absurdity of this question, I turn off my computer for the first time in years, since there's no instant messenger client it needs to be running.

9 am. At work. Can't remember the last time I made it to work this early. GReader at 22 unread now.

5 pm. Spot an ad for an AT&T DSL modem on Craig's list. Call to ask where in "northwest Chicago" they are located. Harlem? Are you kidding me?? But wait, the other dude offers to drive to the loop Right Now and drop off the modem! I agree without hesitation. Then I check my pockets for cash. I have exactly $27 on me, and the ad was for $30. I have no ATM card on me. Conundrum. Quick, who can I shake down for three measley dollars? I dash over to the cubicle next door and beg Rob for money. He agrees readily, with the caveat that I will owe him 20% interest. Oh those econ types, always hilarious.

5:45 pm My Craig's List dude calls me and says that he is a tad lost. I try to give him directions, but it soon becomes apparent that he is completely unfamiliar with the loop. (He claims to be driving on Congress and crossing Van Buren...those streets are parallel.) After another 5-10 min of circling, I finally flag him down, where we do a quick and dirty exchange on the street corner. The modem is MINE.

11 pm. Return home after attending a TV premiere party. Gleefully reach for the "new" DSL modem and plug it in. Lights on, hit F5 aaaand...still nothing. Panic that I've paid $30 for another useless pos modem. I call AT&T support once again, and the woman guides me through some basic questions. I humor her by turning my modem on and off again, and use Internet Explorer for the first time in years. We finally sign on successfully and pages are loading without a hitch. I start breathing normally and thank her as I hang up. Pidgin is running, TweetDeck loads 95 new tweets, virus definitions are updated, and life is good.