How to Be the Worst Bridesmaid Ever

It has been suggested that I write a book titled, "101 Ways to Destroy a Wedding, Tried and True." I don't think I succeeded in destroying this weekend's wedding (arguably for the best), however here is a quick list of ways to passive-aggressively suck at being a bridesmaid.

1. Wait till the last minute to pick up your dress. Announce that you seem to have gained/lost a lot of weight, but you're sure that you'll be able to lose/gain it back by the wedding date.
   
2. Have unpierced ears. Refuse to get them pierced when requested by the bride. When further pressed, flat out tell her there's no way in hell you'll wear clip-on earrings.
   
3. Skip the bridal shower.
4. Agree to come to the rehearsal dinner. Discover that attending would require taking two precious vacation days. Have your boss help you fake an email with new "last-minute" assignments. Skip the rehearsal dinner.
   
5. Pretend that traffic was really bad as you drove to town. Feign tiredness. Skip the bachelorette party.
   
6. The week before the wedding, announce that your car has broken down and they're having trouble getting the parts to replace it, but you're sure it'll be fixed in time so there's no need to look into rental cars. Don't pick up when the panicked bride begins calling twice a day to check on the status of your car.
   
7. Acquire interesting tan lines over the summer. My personal favorites include Sports Bra, Birkenstock, Watch and Backpack. Bonus points if you can tan in messages like "Divorce Rate = 50%."
   
8. Pick up the (unlabeled) wedding favors (tea packets). Ask, "What is this? Is it a moist toilette? Or a condom?"
   
9. Get an expensive manicure with the bridal party. Casually flick your hand into a fan, thereby chipping a nail within 5 minutes of the completion of your manicure.
10. Go to an 8 am hair/make-up appointment. Blink furiously every time the mascara wand gets within a foot of your eyeball. Refuse to put on fake eyelashes.
11. Be ravenously hungry post-make-up-ing. (The other girls curiously seem to insist that they're full from last night's dinner.) Start eating the muffins that the bride's mother brought, and thereby smudge and remove a good deal of lip gloss and powder.
12. Wear a shirt with a tight collar to the hair salon. Struggle to get it over your hair when changing into your bridesmaid dress. The dislodged curls will add a desirable wind-tousled effect.
    
13. Forget to shave your legs.
14. And armpits.
15. Acquire several large mosquito bites on your arms the night before. Scratch vigorously. The redness of the bites will help bring out the red in your dress.
16. Think about the paltry breakfast and zero lunch you've had. Growl your stomach loudly during the ceremony. Think about how the reception has no food (except cake) and no open bar. Growl some more.
    
17. Lock your knees while standing behind the altar. Pass out dramatically and divert all attention towards you.
18. Take off your heels as soon as the ceremony is over and walk around in bare feet during the reception.
    
19. While in the receiving line, point and whisper loudly, "Wait, is that the groom's sister? The one who tried to break up this engagement?"
20. After the best man gives an engaging toast to the groom, stare blankly and opt out of giving a toast for the bride.
    
21. The night before, help choreograph a routine to "Dancing Queen" for the reception. During the performance, change your steps just enough to make the rest of the group question if they're wrong, e.g. start on the other foot or face the opposite direction.
    

And now, because "pics or it didn't happen," here's me painfully awake at said 8 am hair appointment: