Chitown: the soap opera

In honor of the circus that is working as an AE at the Chicago Fed, I hereby propose to write our lives into a soap opera. I'm not sure what I expected when I moved here, but it certainly wasn't the dramatic heights that this weekend entailed. After all, aren't economists supposed to be reasonable? Didn't we invent the (myth of the) rational actor? I digress. Here's my outline for the up and coming new sitcom, Chitown.

Cast

• Crystal: don't let the facade fool you, she's evidence that bad-assery can come in tiny packages. When she opened Schrodinger's box, the cat was in fact, simultaneously alive and dead.
  
• Chris: still undergoing delayed adolescence (read, emo) and perpetually misunderstood, particularly when his dirty jokes fall flat on unamused targets. Takes pride in being ambiguously gay, freakishly strong, and wearing his Birkenstocks until they develop holes in the heel.
  
• Haley: type-A organization extraordinaire, has her sights set on business school, owning the J. Crew catalogue, and providing the invisible hand that Makes. Things. Happen.
  
• Nate: happy-go-lucky mediator with a penchant for wearing argyle and kayaking without a boat, he asks if you've heard the one about the 3 econometricians who went hunting?
  
• Erik: proof that justice should be meted out with a clipped British accent, he seeks to shine the light of truth in places of darkness. Hopes to some day make it big with his single "Bernanke."
  
• Ricky: Erik's girlfriend, who is vying for positions in the publishing industry. Between her indie rock playlist, cave-woman underwear, and unorthodox name, she's alternative, baby.
  
• Britton: a sorority girl with a heart of gold, embodiment that you can take the girl out of Ohio, but you can't take the Ohio out of the girl.
  

Recurring Characters

• Phil, gamer and internet-snob, with an encyclopedic knowledge of classic Greek literature. His New Year's resolution is 1280 x 1024, and he'd love to hang out with you in meat space...if only it didn't interfere with his WoW time.
  
• Alex, a model of chivalry for the ladies, though this is only on display when he can tear himself away from his 16 hour work-days
  
• Rich, Crystal's "boss," with a cynical, dry humor and an affinity for flicking butter pats across the table during lengthy lunch meetings
  
• Gay Bartender at Debonair
• The Lunch Lady
  
• Ithaca Joe
  

Pilot Episode: The One Where It All Began

Fresh out of college, the new cohort of Fed AEs start tackling new jobs in a new city. Much to his dismay, Chris discovers the bathrooms do not have paper towel dispensers, only hand dryers. Rather than touching the handle, he waits stealthily behind the door until someone else comes in. In between the drudgery of cleaning data sets, Erik and Nate scheme to invent adult cereal boxes, complete with keychain Rubik's cubes and samples of organic bourbon. The girls organize a ladies' night out with manicures and Manhattans. On the way there, Crystal gets hit by a taxi, and then gets hit on by a rescuer cyclist.

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We'd probably have to drop the Federal Reserve bit, since that would induce yawns faster than turning down the lights in a lecture hall. If anyone knows how to contact FOX, I'm all ears.